“My Best Friend Has a New Boyfriend and I Never See Her Anymore”

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One of the best things about having a best friend (or best friends) is that you get to go through stuff Not Alone. Right? It’s like you get to use the Buddy System while you go through all the hard and great and weird stuff of figuring life out. Yeah, friendship is the best.

You know what else is the best, too? Love. Love is the best.

In fact, friendship is a kind of love. But then there’s that other kind, the more-than-friends kind, and that can leave Original Friends feeling kind of confused and left behind, or kind of guilty and torn.

Good news though: your friendship isn’t over. It’s just going through some changes.

If you’re going through this right now, here are some ideas to help you get through it. No matter which side of the line you’re on – the single side or the un-single side – you can send this article to your bestie to get the conversation started.

  • Hey, newly coupled friend: It’s ok to be really, ridiculously stoked. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean you’re an obsessive weirdo, it’s just how this whole Love thing works.
  • Hey, still single friend: It’s ok to feel weird about your friend getting a bf/gf. It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible friend who’s not happy for her bestie’s good fortune, it’s just that you miss the way things used to be, and that’s normal.
  • It can be really easy for the newly coupled friend to accidentally start spending all of their time with their new bf/gf, and not even notice that they’re doing it until their friends start to say ‘hey, we miss you.’ Happens all the time, no matter how strong the friendship is. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your friends, it’s just an easy, slippery slope to end up sliding down.
  • To get through this, try to hear each other out about what you’re each going through. You are both right about your own feels – and as friends, your job isn’t to change each other’s feels but to try to understand each other’s feels.
  • Maybe choose a night that’s still girls’ night out and try really hard not to break that habit. Maybe include some group hangs in your repertoire, where the friends and the bf/gf can get to know each other better. Everyone will benefit from having good balance in their lives – balance between having alone time, together with friends time, and together with more-than-friends time. And together with family time, and together with everyone all at once time… and definitely time with pizza. Pizzas are important.
  • Here’s the interesting thing: finding that balance will be good not just for your friendships, but for your bf/gfship (or your future bf/gfship), too. The best thing you can do for all of your relationships is to have a strong sense of self – to know what your boundaries are, what you are and aren’t ok with, what you do and don’t like regardless of anyone else’s opinions – and to know how to stand up for that self calmly while still staying connected to the people you care about. If you spend most of your time with one person, it can be easy to forget that sense of self. At first, ‘losing yourself in love’ can feel really romantic and destined and amazing, but over time it gets really difficult and makes life harder. One way to hang on to your strong, connected sense of self is to keep lots of different influences in your life: friends, family, and of course your dream babe. Also don’t forget pizza; always keep the influence of pizza in your life.
  • Listen: this is a change. Change doesn’t mean ‘over’, it just means ‘different’. But yes, your friendship has changed a little bit; you’re not imagining things. And change is hard. And you know what, it’s ok that it’s hard, because that means that going through it makes you stronger and wiser.
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Mary Chen

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